It has been a mixed year - laughter & love, tears & sorrow. Which just means - it has been a year of Life.
I've learned that no matter what I do, sometimes it just is not enough.
I've also learned that some people do not get the concept of friendship in bad times as well as in good times. Brings new (and sad) understanding to "fair weather friends".
A hard lesson is that grief does not go away, even with time.
Grief does not get lighter, nor easier.
Yes, we get stronger at carrying the grief, wiser in knowing how to live with it.
Louis L'Amour said this about the desert - - "You can fight against it and you will die. If you learn to live in it, & with it, you will."
It works that way with grief.
Finding ways to live in it, with it.
I think the hardest lesson this year was learning that others, even those who are walking this journey of grief, do not "get" the way I process & deal with it. I don't expect anyone to completely understand, however, support & encouragement goes a long way.
The weekend Rick died someone asked me how I was doing, how I was going to get through it all.
My answer then - and my answer now:
(1) I will cry until I laugh, and laugh until I cry.
(2) I will just breathe when I can do nothing else.
(3) Leading me to live this journey one moment at a time.
Which was deemed a "good solid answer" then.
However, now? Not so much.
Not even by my co-widowers.
I "share too much". I "don't share enough".
I "cry at the drop of a hat". I "have a cold & black heart".
I "am wallowing in the grief".
I "can't have loved Rick if I am in any way ready to move forward".
I "can't just stay in the grief, it is time to pull the big girl panties up and live!"
The realization that I cannot please everyone, hell, I can't seem to please ANY one, bites hard.
But in that realization there is a resolve to live this life the best way I know how.
Yes, I will make mistakes.
Yes, those mistakes will affect others in my life.
When all is said & done?
This is MY life. MY journey. MY grief.
I alone will answer for MY mistakes.
I alone will give an account for the choices and decisions I have made.
A life alone. Now ... and then.
The only hope I can have?
That I will make less mistakes as time passes.
Saying good-bye to 2017 ... wondering about 2018.
But in that realization there is a resolve to live this life the best way I know how.
Yes, I will make mistakes.
Yes, those mistakes will affect others in my life.
When all is said & done?
This is MY life. MY journey. MY grief.
I alone will answer for MY mistakes.
I alone will give an account for the choices and decisions I have made.
A life alone. Now ... and then.
The only hope I can have?
That I will make less mistakes as time passes.
Saying good-bye to 2017 ... wondering about 2018.
